If you don't want to spend $1,000 to see President Trump when he's in Fargo, here's what you'll miss:
"It is great to be back in the wonderful city of North Dakota! Last time I was here we set records with our crowds! The biggest crowds! It's amazing how popular I am! The most popular!
"Crooked Hillary! Maxine Waters! Nancy Pelosi! Chuck Schumer!
"You all know why I'm here! It's to stump for my good friend who sells the pillows! Pillow guy! The best pillows! Beautiful pillows! I have 14 of them. The most anybody has. The media won't tell you that. Fake news! They say I only have 10 of them. Not true. Bad people. The worst people! Like I said, I have 16 of them. Nobody has more.
"No collusion! Build the wall! Maxine Waters! Crooked Hillary!
"Also, let's not forget the great governor of North Dakota who is here—Harold Hamm! There he is, next to the guy I went to the Super Bowl parties with! Hi, Doug. Great guy. Fantastic guy. Good-looking guy. And his wife! Good-looking gal. Am I right? Reminds me of my daughter!
"Harold has made a difference with the fracking. They have to get the oil out of the ground. They have to put the water down there. They couldn't do it. Chuck Schumer wouldn't let them do it. EPA Chuck and Nancy Pelosi wouldn't let them do the water. So how could they do it? Harold fracked it! Got the oil! Made him rich! Not as rich as me, but he's rich! Way richer than you!
"Space Force! Make America Great Again! Lock her up! MS-13! Fake news!
"And then we have Kevin Cramer. We need Kevin in Washington because he'll be with me 100 percent. Come here so I can pat you on the head. That a boy. Ol' 100 Percent Kevin. Very obedient. Good boy, Kevin!
"We don't want Heidi Heitkamp to win. I like Heidi. Good woman. But she won't vote with us 100 percent. And she won't fetch a stick for me when I throw it, like Kevin will. Watch this! Go get it, Kevin! Go get it! Good boy!
(Cheers, louder laughter)
"Fake news! Build the wall! No collusion! Witch hunt! CNN!
"How about those NFL players? They hate America and the anthem! And LeBron James, he's not smart! All those people are ungrateful! And socialists!
"Veterans! Military! ICE! Police! Firemen! First responders!
(Loud, extended cheers)
"Farmers, soybeans, bad trade deals, tariffs, China!
(Cheers, cheers, boos, cheers, boos)
"Witch hunt! No collusion! Nancy and Chuck! Maxine Waters! Mollie Tibbets! Immigrants! FBI! Lock her up! Fake news! CNN! Crooked Hillary! Illegal aliens! EPA! Take away your guns! Enemy of the people!
(Loud boos, frothing mouths)
"Thank you, North Dakota! Biggest crowd ever! Way bigger than Obama's!
"Kevin, go get my car! And shine my shoes while you're at it! So obedient. One hundred percent of the time!"