Today, North Dakota senators John Hoeven and Kevin Cramer and Rep. Kelly Armstrong spilled onto the streets shouting, “My God, the president is trying to disenfranchise mail voters, steal the election, and kill democracy! He must be stopped!”
At least that's what it sounded like. It was kinda muffled by the masks. They may have been reciting the Constitution. Or the 7th Commandment. Or the lyrics to "In A Gadda Da Vida," and if so, we should all become Republicans right now, because that's way cool.
I'm not sure if they were taking Joe Biden's mask mandate seriously or if they were just incognito — you know, social-distancing from responsibility — but I do appreciate Biden making his statement. Someone has to do some presidenting around here. Congress is in recess and Macaulay Trump is home alone.
Of course, the big news is that no one knows how to pronounce the name of Biden's running mate. I'll make it easy for you: Madam Vice President. The other big news, according to the White House (which, if you think about it, sounds pretty racist in and of itself), is that Kamala Harris, being part Jamaican, may not actually be African-American. Or American, even.
By the way, the pronunciation is “Comma Allah.” Not really, but that's how Pence and “Yo-Semite Sam” in the Oval Office will probably pronounce it to fire up the base.
I can sympathize with Harris. The only thing keeping me from running for McIntosh County Commission is the fear of being outed as an anchor baby. Mom is from Logan County. Which means I'm only half black.
It wouldn't be my first foray into politics. I finished narrowly behind John Hoeven for governor in 2000, and less narrowly behind Heidi Heitkamp. I know it seems as if I'm gratuitously name-dropping, but apparently, the only way get anywhere around this place is to write a lot about Heidi Heitkamp.
My slogan in 2000 was “A Liver Sausage in Every Pot.” I've had some time to reconsider that. Next time it will be “I Have an Accordion.” It's short, snappy, and still somewhat threatening so it should pull in the Republican vote. For $10, I'll mail out a bumper sticker. If you order today, you should get it by 2022.
You may think that going from almost-maybe winning the governorship of the Great State of North Dakota (Motto: It's Not Easy Being Green) to running for county commission means I'm settling, and it's true, I've downsized my political ambitions. However, if it doesn't pan out, I may take a crack at insurance commissioner. It seems the residency requirements for that office are, let's say, more fluid. Did I mention I voted in Logan County in 2016? Twice.
In the meantime, I look forward to seeing “nasty” Kamala Harris debate Mike Pence. This is the woman that made Brett Kavanaugh cry. Pence will have to sharpen his game. The best he could do last week was warn an audience that if elected Harris would take the meat right off your kitchen table. Another good reason to abandon my liver sausage strategy.
I don't know if you remember, but Bush 41 once tried to take our Brussels sprouts. Our congressional delegation didn't stand up for us then, either.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.