Committee considers ban on rump-kicking, in light of oil crisis
"Okay, what's this meeting all about?" grumped Einar Stamstead as he joined the other town electors in the community hall for a special meeting of the Homeland Security Committee. "We need to be gardening as long as the warning flag is orange."
"Well, we'll be on warning red if the President has his way," prophesied Madeleine Morgan.
Chairman Ork Dorken rapped the table for order with an old Coke bottle.
"We're here to consider a resolution proposed by Madeleine that the President be urged - and I quote - 'to maintain a demeanor commensurate to the dignity of his office'," Ork announced.
"What does all that gibberish mean in plain English," Old Sievert asked bluntly from his overstuffed chair in the corner.
"That he shouldn't be talking about rump-kicking," answered Madeleine. "It isn't becoming of the President of the United States."
Old Sievert laughed. "Oh, he isn't going to kick any rumps. That's only a campaign promise."
"The Constitution doesn't give him authority to kick rumps," declared Little Jimmy, who had changed his on-line major from theology to politics. He figured that religion was going mostly into politics anyway. It was his fifth major since starting classes over the Internet.
"He can kick government rumps but he's talking about BP's private rump and that's unconstitutional," Jimmy added.
"Who's BP?" asked Einar. He was out of touch because he lost his television dish in a March wind storm.
"It used to be British Petroleum but from now on it's going to be Behemoth Polluter," Johann Kerianski offered with a chuckle.
"What's the British doing in the Carrabeen?" asked Josh Dvorcheck as he shifted his snuff to his left cheek. "I thought President Monroe gave a doctrine that no foreigners were going to be allowed down there except us."
"The British came as soon as Monroe left," interjected Orville Jordan, the retired railroad depot agent.
"Truth is that British Petroleum is owned partly by Americans," Little Jimmy explained.
"I'll bet those Americans will be on the President to go soft on BP so it won't hurt their dividends," Josh speculated. "It won't be right."
"Makes no difference if it's right or wrong," Johann surmised. "The public wants blood, and in a democracy what the public wants is always right even when it's wrong."
"You guys can't keep your minds on anything," Madeleine scolded as she rose from her seat in disgust. "Let the President kick any rump he wants as long as it isn't mine." She shredded her resolution as she stomped out of the meeting, followed gleefully by the 13 other town electors. Several tried to sing "God Bless America."
Lloyd Omdahl served as North Dakota's 34th Lieutenant Governor of the state from 1987 to 1992. Previously he was a professor of political science at the University of North Dakota. He continues to write columns for newspapers across the state of North Dakota.